Rural Australian computer terminology

From PAUL OATES in Queensland, Australia

Rural Australian computer terminology

 LOG ON:                          Adding wood to make the barbie hotter.
 LOG OFF:                         Not adding any more wood to the barbie.
 MONITOR:                      Keeping an eye on the barbie.
 DOWNLOAD:                 Getting the firewood off the Ute.
 HARD DRIVE:                 Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
 KEYBOARD:                    Where you hang the Ute keys.
 WINDOW:                          What you shut when the weather's cold.
 SCREEN:                           What you shut in the mozzie season.
 BYTE:                                   What mozzies do.
 MEGABYTE:                      What Townsville mozzies do.
 CHIP:                                    A bar snack.
 MICROCHIP:                    What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
 MODEM:                            What you did to the lawns.
 LAPTOP:                            Where the cat sleeps.
 SOFTWARE:                      Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
 HARDWARE:                    Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
 MOUSE:                              The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
 MAINFRAME:                  What holds the shed up.
 WEB:                                   What spiders make.
 WEBSITE:                          Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
 SEARCH ENGINE:         What you do when the Ute won't go.
 CURSOR:                          What you say when the Ute won't go.
 YAHOO:                            What you say when the Ute does go.
 UPGRADE:                       A steep hill.
 SERVER:                          The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
 MAIL SERVER:             The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
 USER:                               The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
 NETWORK:                    What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
 INTERNET:                    Where you want the fish to go.
 NETSCAPE:                    What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
 ONLINE:                          Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE:                         Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.