Puns for educated minds

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent 10 puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in 10 did.

Singing sensation

Samantha Clark took centre stage last Friday at the official launch of the Mineral Resources Development Corporation (MRDC) website when she turned up with her guitar and started belting out numbers, The National reports.

Invited guests included Deputy Prime Minister Don Polye, Finance, Treasury and Public Service Minister Peter O’Neill and Treasury secretary Simon Tosali, who is also chairman of MRDC. 

Standing in for Prime Minister Sir Michael Somare, who could not make it, O’Neill praised MRDC for its improved investments and returns for landowner from funds under its custody.

Cholera hits Daru: 13 dead, 64 in hospital and 260 treated so far

By JEFFREY ELAPA

THIRTEEN people are dead and another 64 people have been admitted to the Daru General Hospital following a suspected cholera outbreak on the island, The National reports.

Hospital acting chief executive officer Dr Amos Lano said last night that a total of 260 people had been treated in the past three weeks.

He said those who died, both at the hospital and at their homes, were children who had suffered from acute watery diarrhoea, abdominal pain and vomiting – all symptoms of cholera.

Lano said some patients claimed they started feeling sick after drinking well water which was being checked to determine whether it was contaminated.

He said that stool specimens had been sent for testing at the public central laboratory in Port Moresby.

Lano said while waiting for the results, they were treating all patients as cholera victims since the outbreak was first reported on the island on Oct 5.

He said all the reported cases were from the settlements on the island and more were being admitted, forcing the hospital to erect tents on the hospital ground to isolate suspected cases and to care and treat them.

Lano, however, said that the island was over-populated with more than 20,000 people, including the public servants, who depended entirely on water piped from the mainland. A few people and institutions, though, depend on well water and rain water.

He said more people were coming to the hospital following an awareness campaign that early treatment would save them from possible death.

Lano raised fears that the disease was likely to spread along coastal villages from Daru, even to the Torres Strait islands of Australia, because of the continuous movement of people from the affected areas along the Fly River.

However, he said health authorities were trying to set up a quarantine service on the island so that the people moving to the mainland were quarantined before leaving for the villages.

InterOil to hold public offering

INTEROIL Corp (InterOil), the operator of the second proposed liquefied natural gas, yesterday announced it will hold a public offering of its convertible senior notes to raise funds for the proposed condensate stripping plant at the Elk/Antelope in Gulf province, The National reports.

The offer is subject to market and other conditions due 2015.

A statement released yesterday said: “InterOil intends to use the net proceeds from this offering, including the proceeds from any exercise of the over-allotment option, for the development and construction of a proposed condensate stripping plant and related facilities, a LNG plant and related facilities, other exploration and development activities, the repayment of the US$25 million (K66 million) loan with Clarion Finanz AG, which matures next January, and general corporate purposes.”

InterOil is authorised to raise gross proceeds of up to US$280 million (K741 million) from the combined offerings, including over-allotments.

InterOil has granted the underwriters of the offerings a 30-day option to purchase 15% of each security to cover over-allotments, if any.

Each offering will be made under the individual prospectus supplement to InterOil’s base shelf prospectus dated last Tuesday.

American companies Morgan Stanley & Co. Inc  (MSCI) and Macquarie Capital (USA) Inc (MCI) will act as joint book-running managers on behalf of the underwriters for the common shares offering. 

MSCI will act as the sole book-running manager and MCI will act as the joint lead manager on behalf of the underwriters for the convertible note offering. 

Relatives: Probe jail killings

By JAMES APA GUMUNO

RELATIVES of the six prisoners from Baisu jail in Western Highlands shot dead by Correctional Services officers last Friday have demanded an immediate investigation into the killings, The National reports.

Relatives of three prisoners from Enga allegedly killed by warders during a breakout told The National yesterday that they wanted nothing less.

They said the escapees, who dashed for freedom, were not armed and did not attack the guards or Correctional Services officers at that time.

They said the prisoners escaped in fear of their lives because the management of the jail had failed to address a deteriorating health situation at the jail, where three prisoners from Enga had died of an illness not yet identified.

Many others have become seriously ill with this illness.

Saku Luke, an elder brother of Larson Kandaki, one of the prisoners from Laiagam district who was shot dead, said he was not happy to see a bullet smash his brother’s head.

He said his brother was only 24 years old, not married and was remanded at Baisu jail for three months and two weeks over a suspected murder case.

He said his brother was not a convicted prisoner, or a criminal, and did not deserve to die in such a manner.

“We are not happy about this and we will not forget,” Saku said.

He questioned why they shot him in the head, when the correction officers should have tried to shoot him and the others in their legs or arms.

The prisoners, from Enga who died from the unidentified illnesses and those shot dead, would not have met their fate had the Mukurumanda prison in their own province was up and running.

Early this year, Justice Graham Ellis told the provincial government and the Department of Correctional Services to build the jail at Mukurumanda and keep all Enga prisoners there so they would not be taken to Baisu.

The judge’s advice fell on deaf ears.

Zurenuoc calms tension in force

CHIEF secretary Manasupe Zurenuoc yesterday went to Konedobu to meet the top echelon of the police force for a crisis meeting after news broke that Police Commissioner Gari Baki would be sacked two months before his contract expires next January, The National reports.

Documents were leaked over the weekend to the media which showed that Prime Minister Sir Michael Somare had directed Public Service Minister Peter O’Neill to suspend Baki and replace him with Tony Wagambie.

The prime minister had accused Baki of misleading senior members of the cabinet over a submission for K10 million to deploy police in the LNG project area.

The move caused tension and uneasiness in the police force.

Divisions and rivalries in recent years within the force had left wounds, which have not completely healed, and news of the move to remove Baki immediately triggered mixed reactions.

The government dispatched Zurenuoc to speak to the top officers and calm them.

One officer who attended the meeting said the chief secretary assured them that no one would be sacked, and the government had no desire to create instability within the force.

Cabinet met yesterday, but it was understood a submission to suspend Baki was deferred.

It was unclear what had happened to the K10 million cheque that Baki and former police minister Sani Rambi were accused of receiving after allegedly misleading cabinet over law and order issues and police deployment in the LNG areas.

It was understood the K10 million cheque was passed to Rambi by Finance secretary Gabriel Yer on Oct 29 at about 5:30 in the afternoon at the Vulupindi House car park.

By the time the cheque was handed over, redeployment of police unit to the troubled areas in the Southern Highlands had already taken place.

5 prisoners killed, 7 seriously injured

By JAMES APA GUMUNO

FIVE prisoners were shot dead in Baisu jail outside Mt Hagen last Friday as warders resorted to the use of firearms to prevent a mass jailbreak, The National reports.
At least seven others received bullet wounds and had been rushed to hospital.
Those killed and injured were part of at least 55 prisoners who dashed for freedom at the jail last Friday afternoon.
Sources said 18 prisoners, including five killed, had been recaptured while 37 were still at large.
Correctional Services sources said the prisoners who broke out had earlier gathered with others and asked the guards to tell them if they would be transferred to other jails in the country.
The prisoners expressed concern about their health and safety following an outbreak of dysentery and suspected cholera.
A report published last week said three prisoners had died of dysentery.
It was understood that health authorities had inspected the jail and had declared the facility unsafe for human habitation. However, this could not be confirmed.
A correctional officer said the prisoners demanded a transfer, and escaped after seeing fellow prisoners die last week of dysentery-type illnesses, while many others fell seriously ill and were on medication.
He said the prisoners, who were outside the jail compound, demanded the two guards looking after the main jail compound to tell one of the senior officers to come and explain what was being done about the health condition at the jail.
They become angry when a senior correctional officer yelled out that “there is no money” to transfer them to other jails.
The senior officer then ordered the guards to round up the prisoners into their cells and lock them up, and this was when the prisoners reacted by overpowering the guards.
The officer said as the prisoners got over the last gates and headed out, they were shot at.
Many of those who were unaccounted for swam across the Waghi River.
On Saturday, 50 other prisoners from Baisu were transferred to Barawagi jail in Chimbu.
The plan was to transfer the remaining 183 to other jails in the Highlands region.
Mt Hagen metropolitan police commander Chief Insp John Kale confirmed the incident yesterday.
Kale said he would release a report on the breakout today.
The killing of the five prisoners was likely to raise human rights issues.
A senior correctional officer at Bomana said: “Warders have procedures to follow in the event of a breakout, and, when to use a firearm.
“I would expect that an inquiry will be held into these killings at the jail.”